I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
we're so committed to being not committed
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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