My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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