look no pants
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
