I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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