sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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