in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
