using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
