Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
