I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
