I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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