don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
