You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
