i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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