oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
