In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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