Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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