i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
