remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
