so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
