My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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