Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
