what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
