Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
