About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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