im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
