good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
