Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
