my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize