Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize