So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
