I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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