TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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