I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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