don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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