11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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