Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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