I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
