I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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