the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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