life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
