i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
