I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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