i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
