The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
either way he was missing a nipple.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
