end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
