I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
