she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
