To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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