I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We are two peas in an std pod
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
