I met the friendliest cop last night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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