he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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