Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize