I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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