i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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