Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
