So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize