I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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