I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize