This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
