where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
