How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize