he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
