It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize