just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
